Like, What Are the Charges, Scoob?
To Whom it May Concern,
As police officers, it is our civic duty to always give all of the citizens in our community the proper attention when it comes to taking their calls and acting in the way we best see fit to handle each and every situation. Let’s face it, though, there’s a lot of crime and we can’t be in two places at once, so it’s important that we don’t waste any time on things that can wait until later. Which brings me to my main point: I’d like to formally ask Scooby Doo and the other four members of his crew known as “Mystery Inc.” to stop calling our precinct.
The majority of the things you’re calling in to report are not crimes. Some sort of rogue scientist being spooky in an abandoned amusement park is not a threat to the general public. A business man dressing up like a werewolf to scare people out of a place he has real estate interest in is not something that’s under our umbrella of authority. What do you want us to charge these people with? Being mean? You’re all young adults, (minus the dog who kind of talks and even he seems sensible enough) deal with the problem yourself, or hey, we’ll get to it some other time.
I know you’re always saying you were called in to “help” and it’s true, you have been before, but that was under our last chief pictured here:
That’s not how we do things anymore. Our new chief has decided to focus on more serious things like murders and domestic violence. You know? Mostly the things that law enforcement is set up and required to deal with. These sort of urban legends can be investigated and handled in town hall meetings where weirder style people such as yourselves can gather and come up with a solution and the general public does not have to hear about it.
It’d be one thing if our world was full of monsters, ghouls, and otherwise, but it’s not. In almost every case you’ve handled, it has wound up being a man in a mask. It’s astounding that you continually go into these places under the notion that there is some kind cryptid there. It shows a basic lack of judgement and overall inability to deduce any sort of concrete worldview from previous experience. To put it frankly, your services aren’t needed on Earth.
I’m not exactly sure what the endgame for your Mystery Inc. is. Are you just trying to see something fucked up or are you trying to eradicate all of these non existent supernatural beings? I mean, Scooby and Shaggy are absolutely terrified of the work you do and that’s 2/5 of your team. I think it would benefit everyone if you just decided to sell the van and move on with your lives. I’d imagine no one has ever paid you for your clumsy detective work so I can’t imagine your standard of living is too high. I implore you to join the regular work force before one of you gets stabbed in a “haunted” mansion by a homeless guy and then you finally have a legitimate reason to call us because Shaggy is bleeding out and Fred’s ascot isn’t working well as a tourniquet.
The most important thing is that you realize that people die and we’re more interested in taking care of those kinds of things before coming and hauling away the insane person you found wearing a clown costume. Please stop calling our phones, we’re busy.
We would like to have a word with Scoob, though. He seems helpful.
Best Wishes,
Police Officers Everywhere
Originally published at evandretti.tumblr.com.
