A Message From Charlie, Your New Boss at Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory
As many of you already know (due to your direct involvement in it), there was recently a horrifying contest held (masquerading as a tour of Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory) in which myself and four other children were tricked into being put through what some would call a whimsical set of challenges to determine who would become the heir to the factory. I, Charlie Bucket, was the winner of that depraved contest and after a strange ride in some sort of glass elevator that was much less interesting than the original chocolate factory stuff, I was told I am your boss now. This brings me to the main reason I am writing to all of you who are involved in the day-to-day operations of the chocolate factory: changes, they are a-coming.
Right off the bat, I feel like I should let you know that some of you will be getting subpoenaed for being complicit in the whole contest and subsequent hellscape of a tour you put me and the other kids through. Though we signed a contract beforehand, I’m sure it doesn’t act as a kind of blank check to torture 5 kids. I mean, me and my invalid grandfather almost got murdered by a large fan that just happened to be in the same room as drinks that make you float. Like, sure, we were told not to drink the drinks, but not listening to you doesn’t mean you get to murder us. Who acts like that? But, I digress… Just wanted to let you know I’ll be seeing you in court as a plaintiff.
Now for the changes. The biggest one will be that we’re going to turn this into an actual factory that moves large quantities candy product. Now, I don’t know how many of you have worked in a real factory that isn’t this one, but they generally don’t look like this:
It just doesn’t make practical sense. There is grass on the ground and a flowing river of chocolate, neither of which helps us make candy in bulk. This tour I was on was the first one they’ve done in years, so who are all of these bells and whistles for? What I imagine is something more like this:
Just a group of people working hard to try to make as much candy as possible. Muted colors to not distract you, hard concrete on the ground, and much less singing are just a few things that I believe will turn this into a real, profitable business.
This next part may be hard for many of you to read, or not, I’m not sure if their species has learned to read or what the deal is here. Regardless, the Oompa Loompas are done. We’re going to start hiring actual humans to work in the factory and we are going to pay them actual money. I know the reason for only having Oompa Loompas work in the factory was because Willy Wonka didn’t trust humans to not try to steal his recipes, but that’s not a real concern of mine. I looked over a lot of the recipes and it’s mostly just sugar, so whatever. Also, I heard Wonka was paying the Oompa Loompas in cocoa beans which is pretty fucked up. I can’t have that information leak out one day and have a giant worker’s rights lawsuit hanging over my head. So yeah, thanks for your years of service, but time to find a new place to work.
Another important place where big changes will be made is in the products we sell. We’re mostly just going to do the chocolate shit. All this kind of Everlasting Gobstopper and weird three coarse meal gum stuff just doesn’t make any sense to me. Where is the market for this kind of fucked up candy? The second the government finds out we’re making drinks that makes people fly over here they’re going to swoop in and shut us down. There currently seems to be a real disconnect between this company and the real world, where whimsy and wonder isn’t always rewarded and is oftentimes illegal. This is a candy company and we will sell normal candy products like regular chocolate that is not laid by geese and regular gobstoppers that last an appropriate amount of time from now on.
Lastly, I thought it was cool when Willy Wonka was seen as kind of a recluse, insane candy genius and it is a persona I would like to cultivate for myself. That being said, our doors are shut again. No more tours, no more information coming out, and on an unrelated note, do not try to unionize or I will crush you. In a couple of years, once we’ve cultivated some mystique, we’ll reassess, but for now I do not exist and neither do you. We just make the candy silently.
I understand that many of these changes will be tough to swallow, but this is the new reality now that Willy Wonka is dead. Oh wow, just realized I never mentioned that. Yeah, fell right out of that glass elevator. Kind of a freak accident, just ask my Grandpa. He was there, he’ll corroborate my story. So yeah, looking forward to getting to know some of you non Oompa Loompa employees in the coming weeks and working to make this an actual company.
And one more thing, if you see this man please let me know:
He’s known as Slugworth and is an employee who tried to get me to sell him the recipe for Everlasting Gobstoppers to test my morality and I really don’t fucking appreciate that. Consider him a dead man if he ever steps foot in my factory. Don’t ever try to make me look like a fool you fucking piece of shit.
